I’m not normally someone who often writes out my thoughts and feelings. However, one of my big motivations to write this blog was because I finally wrote things down on my Ipad one night when I couldn’t sleep. I cried as I typed a ‘diary’ entry onto paper and as I wrote, I was able to come to terms with some of the things I thought about myself and fully understand the jumbled mess in my head. That entry became my motivation to start this blog and to get me back into strict eating and exercising. Here is the entry:
December 4th, 2013
I just looked back at pictures from 2009-2010 and I can’t seem to put into words how appalled and disgusted I am. I was absolutely huge! You can see it in my face and in the few full body shots I have of myself. The scary part? I didn’t even realise how big I had gotten until now; 3-4 years later. It sickens me to know that I allowed my body to get that way, and at the time, I was actually fine with it. I was confident and happy. The only reason why I really lost the weight that I have was not for myself but so I could potentially meet a guy. I was sick of being alone as all my girlfriends lost their virginity and gained boyfriends. I thought if I lost the weight, I too would find a partner. It’s just scary looking back at pictures of me hugging friends and realising that I was the size of two of them put together. I would drive home from school, go through the drive through, then eat dinner an hour later. I was always giving into temptation and feeding the cravings; never realising what I was doing to my body or personal image. I’m somewhat ashamed to admit it, but even now as I’m in the 170 pound area, that I don’t want to lose more weight to be healthy, but to gain acceptance from other people. If I’m skinnier, I’ll be prettier, right? That’s the way it is, that’s the way I feel as if it works. I feel like the more weight I shed, the more friends I’ll gain. The more people will want to get to know me rather then having to try and put myself out there. I’m shy; I hate meeting new people.
What annoys me most about this whole process is how self-loathing I’ve become over my eating habits and workouts. When I was bigger, I didn’t notice all the flaws and I didn’t care what I put into my body. However, now, when I give into temptation and have popcorn at the movies or have two bad dinners in a row, I feel as if I have failed. I feel like I can’t lose any more weight because I can’t picture myself as thin. Yet, I beat myself up when I try to sabotage my progress. If I don’t burn a certain amount of calories at the gym or can’t run as far as I have in the past, I feel like there is no use continuing on. What’s the point? It’s so hard to keep motivated when I can now see all the flaws since I ‘m smaller then when I first started. I have huge thighs, a big ass, two stomachs (a light cuts through my belly button area making two large rolls), and flabby arms. I want to be that girl wearing a bikini in successful weight loss transformations but I can’t picture it and therefor it becomes harder to strive for.
I just feel at a loss right now. I’ve made laps and bounds from where I have started. I’m proud that I went from 226lbs to what I am now from eating well and going to the gym but it’s so hard to maintain. I can’t seem to find the right balance and I’m afraid if I do lose more weight, it would become harder to keep it off and I will ultimately fail. I think that’s the true root of my problem: Fear of Failure.
I don’t want to go back to where I was. I’m not happy at the weight that I am. I am afraid of failing if I lose more. It’s an ongoing battle.
I no longer want to feel embarrassed and scared when someone tries to pick me up. I don’t want to scream and flail because I don’t think they will be able to hold my weight. I no longer want to scrutinise my body and two stomachs. I no longer want to hate shopping for clothes and always getting stuff that’s a little two big because I feel like I’m heavier then I am…
It’s scary seeing my thought process from the beginning of the month compared to now. Yes, I still scrutinise my body and beat myself up for cheating, but I’m also in the mindset that I am ready to continue this journey once more. I’m not looking at the final picture; I’m not trying to imagine myself thin because I can’t. However, I am looking forward to the small milestones. I want to leave the 170 mark! I want to weigh less than 165 (My smallest weight), and I really, really want to hit the 150’s! I have many small but incredibly large milestones that I can hit that will help keep me motivated for the long term.